Why not...

I’ll begin this by saying, I am thankful for how far God has brought me, and I know how blessed I am, but it comes a point where we all must vent, and that’s all this is. These last 3 months have been the toughest in my entire life. After the celebration of graduation quickly faded, reality of unemployment set in. I’ve endlessly applied for internships in the career path I want to pursue, to only be slapped in the face. I’ve finally be fortunate enough to gain some work at the local university, but if not given the proper teachings, my qualifications still won’t be enough to apply to other internships. I’m more than anything tired of my current job. As humbling as waiting tables is, it’s becoming demeaning. “Managers” who know I have a degree talk to me as if I’m 5. Patrons see me as just another Black kid who isn’t doing so well. I’m not sure how I’m holding on besides the word. Day by day, it’s the same thing. I can’t win for losing. I don’t like sympathy, so I try to deal with shit on my own. The moment I think it’s time to reach out to someone, they let me down. One can only take so many. I don’t even want to say anymore so:

FUCK all the naysayers.

FUCK all the people who say they care, to only show different.

FUCK all the people who think they know your struggle.

FUCK all the times I needed someone, and no one was there.

FUCK all the times I wanted to cry, but had too much pride to do it.

FUCK all the countless days I wonder when I’ll get a shot.

FUCK all the times I had to put my problems on the shelf to help unload someone else’s.

FUCK all the times I wasn’t given a chance.

FUCK all the people who think, because of their title, I give a FUCK.

FUCK all the people who think I set unrealistic goals.

FUCK all the people who want me be to conventional.

FUCK all the times I’ve asked something of someone, for them to only fail me.

FUCK all the ones I forgave, for them to do it again. (Now YOU know why I am the way I am).

FUCK all the mistakes I made in the past.

FUCK all the future ones to come.

FUCK all the liquor I’ve used to mask my feelings.

FUCK all the Devils in Angel wings.

FUCK all hypocrites.

FUCK all the people who ignore my opinion.

FUCK all the bullshit apologies.

FUCK all the breakdowns I suppressed.

FUCK it all…

My Valentine

As the clock ticks,
the crack in my heart
spreads like a broken
windshield.

I wish I had shielded myself from you

I’m left alone with only
half of my life, because
you were my perfect complement.

So as this holiday looms near,
I’ll take myself out
in attempt to cheer me up,
because you are gone.

So as this mascara tear falls,
I look to the sky and say
Happy Valentine’s Day.

Inspiration

My lyrical genius has since dwindled
Fingers were tired
I’m reaching for a thimble
I can’t quit now I was just getting agile and nimble
To juxtapose words to create a bigger symbol
It’s not simple
The game needs fixing before it’s belittled
But who’s with him
The change up styles
And be different
They don’t get it
With all the money in the world
They can’t pay attention
So they miss the rhythm
To the native drum beats
They refuse to listen
But a wise woman once taught me
That real eyes
Realize
Real lies
Though some people catch on
More “fans” stand strong
So now my baby, in fear, hides
But I promise Hip-Hop
In me, you won’t die

Prototypical

I want a chick that’s prototypical
Not in the sense that she is like all others
but rather my miracle
I want be the soul
She be the neo
Together we create neo-soul
Just so I can put her first

A chick that just because she smiles I smile
A chick whose intelligence drives me wild
A chick who is GOD fearing
And whose name is nowhere near the smearing

A chick who understands me and past
Accept it for what it’s worth
And can express herself without having to hide behind a mask
I want her to be my best friend
And accept the fact that I have female friends
For which I’ve never had relations with
Which today seems like a crazy concept

I want a chick in which we can cry tears from love’s pain
To which we both try to restrain
But once released a ocean we name
The ocean of tears is our pain from love
I want us to be addicted to each other like a drug

Scratch that word chick

And change it to woman
Because I know that I’m growing
and I need someone who is willing to grow with me
And doesn’t have scared tendencies
In the relationship sense

And I know it’s possible because GOD makes someone for each of us
It’s just our job to find that love
So I want the prototypical woman who can seduce mentally
I will find her
Even if it’s the end to me…

The Gift of Life (Performance)

The Gift of Life

FYI: I wrote the female verses, and the homegirl Candace Jordan wrote the male's....check it out

I don’t what it is with him, every time we talk it’s a debate.

I feel like this is another mistake.

Why not take a break?

But damn it’ll be 3rd time this month

and I don’t know how to tell him that we need to be one

because now we have one on the way;

and as much wrong as he’s done

I can’t stop this wanting him to stay

I just want him to say he loves me

I really don’t like to talk to females like this,

but I always find myself telling her to shut up.

She trip just when I tell another female what’s up.

I don’t know if I can fool with this anymore.

Chillin’ with her is becoming less of a pleasure and more like a chore.

This makes me so frustrated.

She thinks we’re in love just because we made it.

I’m not saying I don’t love her I’m just saying I don’t know if I do.

And it’s hard for me to decide when she’s permanently convinced

I’m never telling her the truth

It’s been like 2 days!!

Where the hell you been?

Here we go again…

Then you wonder why I’d rather chill

with my friends instead of you.

Always quick to cop an attitude

talking bout how u independent and don’t need me

then 5 sec later begging “baby please don’t leave me .”

I don’t need you, I want you

for the things you used to do and say;

for the roles we used to play

but now you’re chasing other tail

so I no longer feel like your prey.

Every night I pray

you come back to your senses

to feel so relentless to share your love.

But no!

You quick to jump in the car with you boys

and ignore what we have

You paid so much attention to this bank

so that when you withdraw

I can’t afford to be myself

so I may asked someone else for a loan.

And you wonder why I hate being ignored by your phone

Aight

Really that’s all you have to say?

Naw but if I said more it’s not like you would listen.

Every time we talk you try to argue and petition,

so really there’s no point.

And yes I did ignore your texts and phone calls,

but you love to play games.

So don’t act like you don’t do the same exact thing to me at all.

These games you think I play

are my inner child fighting attention.

The fact that you don’t give it to me

shows how much you don’t listen.

I do tune you out,

it’s better than sitting here listening

to every little thing you want to nag me about.

You don’t respect me as man

yet expect me to value you as a woman.

You make demands like I’m a child,

it’s not that I’m childish

I’m just tired of this.

No you’re childish and selfish

You might want to calm that down,

I’m pregnant!

Yes it yours, no questions.

Got a headache now, here’s Excedrin.

And I hope you don’t think

it’s a problem, this is a blessing.

So all that BS you do

correct it. Now check it

I’ve been here through thick and thin

know more than you think, yet I keep it deep within

trust me baby, that stuff you can’t hide

these real eyes realize real lies

so cut the crap and clean up your act

we have a family to provide for

aint no turning back

Yea that sounds good

but nothing real lies between us.

And I recognize that you have your dirt too.

You just erase your inboxed and sent messages

quicker than I do. Matter of fact you just lied.

Telling me its mine and I need to provide

when I know you cheated. Oh you didn’t think I knew

you let my homeboy beat it? I’ve been knowing

you were pegnant so I’m not surprised.

You can say whatever but you’re not going to

convince me we need to be together.

I haven’t been try to trick you,

the fact that you think that hurts.

And so I had sex with him once,

I’ve seen you do worse.

All the pictures in your phone

but telling me you want this work

and now you claiming you don’t.

Probably cause of this child

I really don’t understand you point

or your purpose on this earth.

So that’s how you feel?

Yeah

And I feel like I don’t know what it is with you.

I stick here with you

though you never tell the truth.

Why don’t you seem to get that I just love you?

I lie about little stuff

so I don’t have to hear you mouth.

You fuss so much that sometimes

I don’t even think you know what you talking about.

And you don’t love me!

You’re just in love with the idea of not being alone.

It’s not in your heart it’s all cognitive.

didn’t answer your call because I found out

I’m HIV positive.

But I been calling the past 2 days with no answer

and this is how you come at me;

to tell me you got HIV?

And You knew about this bun in the oven?

You always saying I’m lying and fronting,

but I just told you the truth.

Don’t say I ain’t never gave y’all nothing!

Conquering Invictus

To preface this poem, Google Susan Smith, and read up about her brutal murder of her children and accusation of a black man.

Out of the night that covers me,

is I make these strides to be free before I’m cold.

I thank whatever gods may be

for my [conquerable] soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I heard my children cry aloud.

Under the bludgeoning of chance

my thoughts are scathed and un-vowed.

Beyond this bridge of tears

looms but the Horror of the shade,

and yet this pain I’ve held in for years

finds, and shall find, me [afraid].

It matters not how strait the [lane],

and I can think of someone else to take this toll.

I am the master of [their] fate:

I am the captain of [his] soul.